If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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