Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
