I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize