did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
