I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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