i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
