haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
