Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
