The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
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