life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
