I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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