What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
