4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
