Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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