Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
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