He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
