You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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