So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
She bit a glass in half.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Randomize
