Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
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