wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
