i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
