Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
