I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Randomize
