What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
