I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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