when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
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