we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
You ruined the universe
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
