you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
And then he peed in my hair
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
