i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Four minutes until I can fart!
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
