After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
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