We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
where are my eyebrows?
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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