I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
