Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
