Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
