the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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