Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
