I'm so fucking centered right now
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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