I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Randomize
