there's paper in my vomit.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
