the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
