I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
