did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
