I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
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