I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
