sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
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