Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
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