note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
