If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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