After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
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Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
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There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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