so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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