Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
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