Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
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