If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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