peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
