sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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