Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
