I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
